You Don't Mean That
by WRE
Summary: OK, it's Remus/Sirius, not slashy but if you're homophobic don't read it. I would love you to review, but you don't HAVE to... Flames are actually welcome, because, as I've said before, I can toast some marshmallows. Yum! Anyway....yeah, that is it.


Remus watched in disbelief as Sirius hopped sideways down the shadowy corridor, his arms held out to the sides. He wore an expression of extreme concentration, and seemed to think he was some kind of a cross between and aeroplane and superman.

Remus had just been on a night-time excursion to the kitchens under James' cloak. He pulled off the cloak and walked towards Sirius, who did not notice.

"Sirius? Are you drunk again?"

Sirius had been drinking quite a lot lately, and although he insisted that he was fine, it was not like him and Remus was quite concerned, though he could not help but find his friend's behaviour funny sometimes.

"Yes of course I'm not!" Sirius whispered crossly. "But keep it down! The birds, silly! They'll get us!"

"Naturally, the birds," said Remus, sighing.

"Where's James?"

"He's gone out with Lily, remember?"

"Shhh!" Sirius hissed and fell over. Remus tried not to laugh as he helped him up, then attempted to pull him in the vague direction of Gryffindor tower.

"Ohh!" Sirius moaned. "Do I have to? You know what happened last time!"

"No, I don't know, why don't you come along and tell me!?"

"Alright!" Sirius agreed cheerily. "That would be fun! We could have a picnic!"

"Shut up."

Sirius stuck his tongue out mutinously.

"Alright, stay then, I'm going," Remus said, letting go of Sirius' arm. "Bye!"

He started to walk away. Although he laughed, he was genuinely worried about his friend. Something had to be making him drink. But what? Sirius was always so happy, and had a perpetual cheeky grin on his handsome face. Remus could not think of anything that could be making him unhappy.

"Remus!" he heard Sirius' plaintive cry from behind him. "Don't leave me! I'm scared!"

"Come on then!"

Sirius half-ran to catch up with him and grabbed his hand.

"Will you look after me?"

"Whatever, yeah, I'll look after you. Come on, we're going to the common room."

"Where's that?"

***

Ten minutes or so later, Remus sat down on his bed.

"Drink some water," he advised Sirius, who was sitting on the bed next to his, but Sirius was having none of it.

"Why? I don't like water. If I was drunk, I'd drink water. Ohhhh yes."

Remus said nothing.

"Remus?"

"Yes?"

"I love you." 

He sounded disarmingly sober. Remus stared. Then he gazed down at his knees. He had been in love with Sirius for so long. He loved everything about him, his cheeky grin, the way he could make him laugh in any situation, everything from the way his long hair fell over his dark eyes to his fierce loyalty to his friends. He wished so much that what Sirius was saying was true.

"What's wrong?" Sirius enquired sadly.

"You're drunk, Sirius," Remus said. "You don't love me." He had long become resigned to the fact that however good a friend he was, Sirius would never love him.

"I do, I do really. I do."

"I wish that was true," Remus muttered quietly, more to himself than to Sirius.

"It's true!" Sirius stood up and sat down by Remus. "I've loved you for ever and ever and ever…oh, sorry. You don't love me do you?"

"Yes! Yes, I love you Sirius!" Remus said, knowing that Sirius wouldn't remember any of this tomorrow anyway. "Yes I do, but you're drunk, and you haven't meant any of what you've said in the last half hour."

" 'Course I mean it!" Sirius exclaimed. "I may be drunk, and I may be talking a load of complete rubbish but I mean it about loving you!"

He took Remus' slender hand in his, but Remus pushed him away.

"Get lost. Go away!" Remus said, hating himself for saying anything mean to Sirius. "Sirius, you don't know what you're on about. Go to bed. GO AWAY!"

Sirius' dark eyes widened. He really looked hurt as he stood up, but Remus reminded himself that he was drunk. Pushing him away, he drew the heavy curtains around his bed.

"Sorry Sirius," he mumbled. "But by tomorrow, well, you'll have forgotten all this anyway. Lucky you…"

*

Sirius sat on his bed, staring at the red curtains around Remus' bed but not really seeing them. His thoughts were fairly incoherent, and he had an idea that he might be slightly tipsy, but he felt upset. He had hurt Remus.

"You're silly," he whispered vaguely to himself. "You probably made Remus cry. He won't love you anymore. Not that he did anyway. He doesn't even like you now though! That's really sad!"

He felt his eyes fill with tears, then reminded himself that he was…was…well, whoever he was, he didn't cry. He lay down and wandered around in his unhappy thoughts for a while before falling in to a deep sleep.

***

Sirius awoke the next morning to a thumping headache and a bout of total amnesia when it came to the events of the previous night.

"Oh dear," he said quietly. "I shouldn't have drunk so much."

He got up very slowly. Everyone had already gone down to breakfast, and after struggling to put his clothes on, he headed to the great hall too.

"Hi Sirius!" James said cheerfully as he sat down at the Gryffindor table.

"Hi," he replied shortly.

"Aww, poor thing, do you have a headache?" Lily enquired.

Sirius didn't think that was really worth an answer. He glanced at Remus, who seemed to be making a point of not even looking at him.

"Er…morning Remus," he said, blinking.

Remus looked up quickly.

"Oh, hello Sirius," he said, and stared down at the table again. His light hair fell over his face and as he pushed it back Sirius saw the frown on his face and the unhappy and vacant look in his grey eyes.

Sirius blinked again. Looking around the table, he realised that he couldn't face any food at the moment. He stood up and left the noisy hall which was doing his hangover no good at all. He did not see Remus' eyes following him as he crossed the hall.

He lay on his bed a few minutes later. Soon it would be time for the first lesson but he wasn't sure he cared. His head was killing him after last night. He was worried about Remus, who hadn't seemed his normal, smiling self. He was confused and ever so slightly hurt at Remus' behaviour toward him. He would have to find out what was wrong with him later and do as much as he could to help. He wished, as he so often did, that he could tell his closest friend just how much he cared. The depression that had become almost familiar to him over the last few weeks threatened to set in as he closed his eyes and drifted into fitful sleep. 

Sirius woke about two hours later, and decided he should probably go to some classes. He walked into potions and didn't listen as ten points were deducted from Gryffindor for his lateness, and as five more were deducted for his not-listening. He sat down next to Remus.

"Hi Moony."

"Mmm," Remus replied. Clearly his mind was somewhere else.

Sirius tried to start conversation with his friend throughout the lesson, but to no avail. Remus seemed extremely depressed and would say nothing. He looked to be on the verge of tears, which was very unlike the cheerful Remus that Sirius knew and loved.

"Look Moony, stop being an idiot, what's wrong?" he said exasperatedly. And loudly. Another five points from Gryffindor, but Sirius didn't care.

Sirius pulled Remus back at the end of the lesson as everyone left. 

"Moony what is it? Really, let me help. I'm worried."

Remus bit his lip.

"Nothing," he said flatly and left before Sirius could tell him he didn't believe him. Sirius sighed and rubbed his face. 

"What a baby!" Sirius heard a sneering voice from behind him. "He looked like he was going to cry! That time of the, ah, month, is it? What's wrong with the stupid freak?"

Sirius completely lost his temper.

"Shut UP! Don't you DARE say that about him!" he yelled at Severus Snape. "He is NOT stupid, and he is NOT A FREAK! He's….he's…he's great…"

Snape's lifeless black eyes widened.

"Oh so THAT'S it! More than just friends, are we? Like his wild side, do you, Black? How sweet, Sirius Black and his pathetic werewolf-boyfriend…"

Sirius smacked Snape in the face with all his considerable strength. Snape fell to the floor, unconscious.

*

Remus hurried away from the door as Sirius left the empty classroom.

***

That evening, Remus sat curled up in the corner of a sofa in the common room. He had not been able to help acting strangely towards Sirius today, although he berated himself for doing it. Last night had surprised him to say the least. It had confused him and unhinged him ever so slightly. He had learned to cope with wanting what he could not have, but the things Sirius had said, even under the influence, had made him forget how to cope and he was feeling it worse than ever.

Remus stared into the fire and remained lost in his thoughts for a very long time. By the time he snapped out of his reverie, the common room was practically empty. He was just thinking of going to bed when Sirius came in. Remus stood up.

"Moony, hang on," Sirius said before he could move. "I've just been looking for you. Stupid James, he said you were outside. What's wrong? What's happened? Don't say you're alright, 'cause you're not. Honestly, you can tell me anything, you know that."

"I can't…tell you this," Remus said falteringly. He looked at the floor. Sirius sat down on the sofa.

"Sit down, Remus. Whatever it is, you can always tell me. You trust me don't you?"

"Of course I do! It's just…this is the ONLY thing I couldn't say to you. I'm sorry, Padfoot. You'd think…you'd hate me."

"I'd never hate you! Never, I'd never hate you! I couldn't…Moony, is it something to do with me? You've been acting really…"

"I know, I know, I'm sorry, you don't know how sorry I am, but I couldn't help…after last night…"

"LAST NIGHT! Oh god! Moony, whatever I said, I was out of it, I'm sorry for whatever I did! Oh damn it, I can't remember a thing!"

Remus smiled wryly.

"You just…said some stuff…"

Sirius got up and put his hands on Remus' shoulders.

"..and I didn't mean it! Come on, please, I'm sorry, you know what I'm like, I didn't mean…"

"That's the problem! That's the whole thing!" Remus shouted, almost crying. "You said all this stuff, and you didn't mean it, and I wanted you to mean it…"

Remus hung his head. Sirius' arms dropped to his sides. 

"What?" he asked, totally bewildered. "What did I say?"

"You…you said that you…that I…"

"WHAT!?"

"I can't…" Remus started towards the stairs. Sirius grabbed his arm.

"Tell me! I won't hate you. I won't hate you…"

Remus closed his eyes.

"You said…" he started quietly. "You said…you told me you loved me."

He tried to pull away, to run for it but Sirius wouldn't let him.

"Oh god. I'm sorry Moony. I wouldn't have…did I? Oh no…"

"YOU'RE sorry? But, but…but I wanted you to mean it," Remus admitted sadly.

"You….you what…huh?"

Remus sat down heavily in a nearby chair.

"I'm sorry Sirius. I…damn it. I love you."

Sirius pulled him up.

"Really?"

Remus would not look him in the eyes. 

"Yes. Yes, I'm sorry."

"Sorry? Why are you sorry?"

"Because I wanted you to mean it. I wanted you to want me. I want you to love me."

"I meant it, Remus. I may have been drunk, and I may not remember it but I must have meant it 'cause I do want you. I do love you."

Remus did not dare look at Sirius. He did not dare believe it. He said nothing.

"Remus, I love you! You know I'd do anything for you. You…you're…I love you!"

Remus looked at Sirius, at his beautiful dark eyes.

"But…earlier, I heard…I saw…you hit Snape 'cause he said I was your boyfriend…"

"Moony, you idiot!" Sirius said laughing and squeezing Remus' hand. "I hit him 'cause he said you were pathetic! Which you're most definitely not. And I would have done it anyway, it was SO fun!"

Remus laughed.

"Really?"

"Honestly. Really. Remus Lupin I love you. I love you 'cause you're so kind and considerate and generous and…and 'cause you're you, and…and I mean it. I'm not even drunk!"

Remus laughed again.

"How do you always make me laugh?"

" 'Cause you love me!"

"Aha! That would be it!"

"Remus, why didn't you tell me?"

"Why didn't you tell _me_?"

" 'Cause…" Sirius shrugged. "I thought you'd hate me. I thought you'd think I was a freak."

"So you already know why I didn't tell you. Sirius, why did you keep drinking? Why are you unhappy? Was it…"

"Because of you! Because I couldn't have you. Drinking made me forget…everything."

"Sorry I made you unhappy," Remus said sincerely as Sirius pulled him closer. 

"I'm not unhappy now…" Sirius laughed softly.

Remus pushed Sirius' dark hair back as Sirius leaned down and their lips met lightly. Remus felt Sirius' strong arms around him. 

__

He meant it! he thought to himself. He could not remember feeling happier as he wrapped his arms around Sirius and their kiss became more passionate.


End file.
